The Gentle Art of Prevarication and Equivocation

The Gentle Art of Prevarication and Equivocation

“Oh what evil webs we weave when at first we practice to deceive.”
Anon.
Well forget that line; it’s just a warning for honest people. This is
about dishonest people, which is most of us at least at one time or
another. Most lying is done within families, to and from spouses,
siblings, and children. And these are the hardest lies, and can be
referred to as Class I lies. Lies outside families, to neighbors,
coworkers, old friends and acquaintances are relatively easy and can be
referred to as Class II Lies. The first thing to remember about lying
is not to become known as a liar--if you do, you’re all done and this
discussion is useless to you. So, what is said here is intended to
prevent that, from the start.
One of the first things to remember is a quote regarding lying, from
Abraham Lincoln: “No man has a good enough memory to be a successful
liar.” This is probably true, but it is the objective of this essay to
give you enough to be a decent liar, expecting to get caught at it once
in a while. In such cases always remember the dictum “Deny, deny,
deny.” If you happen to get caught at something red-handed, there is no
room at all to even consider a lie. But if there is no such evidence
against you, the lie is the way.
The first most important tactic in lying is admission to the lesser
offense. If you get accused of being out drinking and philandering,
admit to the booze--but never the whoring! Even if you smell like
perfume, the “deny, deny, deny” policy should be invoked--and that’s
after you run out of a hundred reasons you should smell like perfume.
This is akin to the ‘compound lie.’ An example is: you trash something
purposely, then hear “You said you didn’t throw it in the trash, but I
found it here, in the trash.” “Oh, I didn’t realize I did that!”
The most important part of learning to lie is in the EYES! This cannot
be over stressed. The EAGLES: “You can’t hide your lyin’ eyes, and your
smile is a thin disguise.” I once had a very bright girlfriend, but she
was a very poor liar. It was altogether her eyes, and by no means her
memory. This is the most important thing about lying--eyes. The rule:
never avert your eyes during the lie, that comes after, always. Look
your accuser right in the eye as you lie. This will take a lot of
practice, but with practice you’ll improve your lies 100%
Another important thing is whether the lie matters or not. You must
distinguish. Lies to close ones are usually, but not always, the
important ones whether white lies--lies of convenience--or black ones.
Most white lies are really irrelevant to this discussion but can be
bothersome to an insistent accuser. But the lie to the old acquaintance
or seldom seen friend or enemy is an “open season” proposition. Here’s
where you can and should really shine. Don’t just lie--tell whoppers
and exaggerate every damned thing you can. For example to an old
classmate you haven’t seen in years--tell him you made a fortune in
software then blew it all on cocaine and whores and the track. This
brings up another specific area where you ought to know a rule: If you
made or have no money, tell him all your finances are tied up in blue
chip stocks, with, say, IBM that you bought in 1947. Or some such. On
the other hand if you really did something like that, tell him you are
broke, never made a dime. Never admit how much or how little money you
have. You can extend this rule to cover cars, houses, women, boats,
summer houses, children's successes/failures and on and on. Above all
make the tale a tall one when it’s none of the subject’s business. This
applies to anyone regarding your drug holdings--licit or illicit.
And still another thing. Most people have people in their lives they
need never lie to about anything. Close relatives or close friends,
certain ones, you need never tell any class lie. On the other hand you
can tell Class II lies to certain other people. Try to develop your
skills with Class II lies, as a whimsy, or ‘sport,’ or to just to pass
the time. Strangers are the best subjects for these, but some old
friends and classmates, etc. can fall into this category--have a little
fun with it!
Finally there is the Class III lie. That’s when you run into someone
who is a designated liar him/herself, or someone you just don’t care
about lying to, without being the least bit coy about it. Make them
know you’re boldfaced lying. And make it outlandish enough to irritate
them. Don’t settle for benign stuff they’ll just brush off--get to
them--make them think you think they’re a fool, or tell them someone
else can’t stand them. Use your imagination.
After words: The Mental Reservation. This is an untruth that really
can not be classified in the lies group. Examples serve best: Your
subject gives you a cigar. You go home and smoke about half of it. You
see the subject again and he asks if you finished the cigar. You don’t
want to offend, so you answer ‘yes.’ The reservation part is that you
finished it for the time being, intending to get back to it later.
Another example: You get a phone call asking if so-and-so is there. You
know so-and-so doesn’t want to be known to be there, and most
importantly, it’s none of the callers business, so you answer ‘No.’ The
reservation part is that so-and-so is not there to the caller.
Along the mental reservation line is a form of deception known as
‘begging the question.’ Again, example serves best: Someone asks if you
are going to the movie, when you do not intend to. You say ‘Is the Pope
Catholic?’ You’re telling the person ‘Yes,’ but not really. You’re
telling him nothing about the movie. You’re answering his question with
an unrelated question. This is actually a mental reservation, but is
better described as a ‘dodge.’ Can be very handy.

Note 1: How to spot one: Keep your eyes on the eyes!

Note 2: A lie is a lie and cannot be justified. But deception is not
always a lie and can, in certain instances, be justified.

Song stories

The "Stardust" Story

The song "Stardust" was and probably still is, the most recorded song
of all time. It has an introduction that is a song unto itself and has
been recorded that way. It’s a beautiful song. Its author, Hoagy
Carmichael, was a song-writing college student. One late evening he was
leaving school for home--realizing there was something musical
bothering him. The local private hangout was closed. Still, he saw the
manager in there and beckoned him and begged him to let him at the
piano briefly, because he had a tune running through his head. The
manager said no but Hoagy begged and the guy relented and let him in.
Hoagy went to the piano and immediately developed the basics of a tune
that would become "Stardust." So we have a bartender to thank for that
song. Hoagy knew he would lose it if he didn't 'get it down' right
away. "Get it down, man. Get it down on paper, on a recorder, but get
it down. You don't get it down, it can slip away from
you--you can lose it." Duke Ellington.

The "Danke Schoen" Story

In 1959, Bobby Darin sang what is probably the all-time blockbuster
hit. It charted #1 for 22 weeks. Everybody loved it. It wasn't possible
to scan a radio dial without hearing it at least once. It was a truly
amazing song brought to life by a truly amazing singer. It was "Mack
the Knife," a grizzly story about "Jack the ripper" stuff. Still,
everyone loved it. The song
was written by the musical director of "The Three Penny Opera," Kurt Weill, whose
wife, Lotte Lenya, sang it in the production--hence the tribute in the list of 'hookers.'
It was originally "Polly Peachem."
Later Frank Sinatra gave the good song a stab--it was awful--Frank the
"Boss," couldn't outdo Bobby Darin in any kind of singing! In fact,
Bobby Darin is probably our best singer of all time. Take a listen to a
Darin big band album!
In 1963 things were a bit quiet in the spring--Vaughn Meader, Kingston
Trio, Peter, Paul , and what's-her-name. But the following was going on
elsewhere.
Bobby Darin was readying his next song when he found his health failing...
with life-long heart problems--at 27! After a while he invited a very young Wayne
Newton to his house. He told Wayne he was giving him his next song. And
played an old slow German dirge for Wayne. Wayne was amazed and said
"Bobby, I can't sing that shit." Darin responded "Oh? Come in here" (to
Darin's personal recording studio.) There he played Newton a fully
orchestrated upbeat version of the "dirge." Then Wayne was really
amazed and graciously accepted the song. It was Darin's talent to see
that this prepubescent kid could sing it right. And he was right. The
summer of 1963 was all "Danke Schoen" ONLY---no rival hits at all. It
even would have remained popular except for a curious development: The
hegemony of all music, including early rock was eclipsed with two
savage blows: "I want to Hold Your Hand," and "She loves you, yeah,
yeah,yeah." That pair alone changed everything forever and will likely
never happen again.

The Louis Prima Story

Louis Prima was a jazz singer married to Keely Smith. Both wonderful
singers. They wrote and Louis sang "I Ain't Got Nobody/Just a Gigolo,"
a two-in-one song. It was wonderful. But the point here is brief: In
addition, Louis wrote a song called "Sing Sing Sing." It was long,
haunting, brooding, incredible instrumental song, with Gene Krupa,
Teddy Wilson, Lionel Hampton and the rest wrapping everything up with
with every musical figure of the style. Benny Goodman played it at his
first Carnage Hall Concert. Today it remains a world classic. Even
jazz-haters love it.

The "Ain't that a Shame" Story

When he was 14, my brother M. particularly liked a popular song, "Ain’t
that a Shame." I was nearly two years older and thought it was very
good but not tops. In 1980, the most underrated US band, "Cheap Trick,"
played it at Budokan in Tokyo. They’d recorded it before, but those
fans put it on charts, It was an amazing version. And about
versions...Pat Boone sang that song, protesting he, a Columbia U.
English student, couldn’t sing "ain’t," and that it must be "isn't".
They did ONE take and Pat himself said "No, 'isn't' ain't it, at
all"--they did more takes and it was a big hit.

The "Rhapsody in Blue" Story
The Gershwin brothers wrote a lot of songs together. Ira wrote lyrics and George composed the tune, usually. "Fascinating Rhythm" was named that when Ira heard George playing the tune. George played piano very very fast--he made his living in the early 1920's playing tunes in the "Five-and-Ten." In those days when you bought a piece of music, there'd be a player there to play it for you before you bought it--not that different from the booths of later years.
One day, George was playing a little ditty he developed, very fast. Ira had something to say to him and started speaking, while George slowed way down but continued the ditty, as musicians do when listening while playing. As they spoke the talented Ira noticed something and asked George to play the little ditty very slow. Neither had any idea that this was the birth of "Rhapsody in Blue," an orchestral piece that would be heard around the world, probably for all time. And it would change Ira's compositions to orchestral pieces, away from the popular stuff that sold in those days.
In 1926 or so, the Gershwins would put on a Carnegie Hall Concert, at which the introduction of that song would be the finale. There was a lot of excitement and the hall was loaded with everyone anticipating a wonderful Gershwin concert. It was a dreary show! Just groaning on an on until the intermission. At intermission there was much murmuring.
After the intermission the show resumed, continuingly dreary and people only hoped for the end. Well they really got it! As the crowd squirmed, a lone clarinet walked to the front stage and introduced the finale with an astonishing hale of beautiful notes all over the range of the clarinet. In about eight solo bars, the crowd was stunned into silence. It was beautiful--so beautiful people forgot the lackluster concert, and "Rhapsody in Blue" became a hit-- and it still is.